Things Gotta Change...This Is a Very Long Post

Hi there, I started this blog as a way to reflect, share and try to get the hell out of this awful web of gambling. I've been a troubled gambler since the late 1990s. Please excuse if I am scattered on my story, so much has happened and lots of details pop into my head as I am typing this.

With the introduction of VLTs in our province of Manitoba, these machines were sprouting in every bar. I was living out in the country at the time and played them sometimes, but not to the extent as I do now.

I moved to Winnipeg in Spring 1997, my access to more VLTs and two large casinos soon had me enraptured.  I held a good government job, had decent credit, a vehicle, and no one to worry about except myself. I had money to piss away.

My money management wasn't the best but once I came to the city, it grew worse. I found myself spending a lot of money over clothes, CDs, makeup, and most of all to gambling.  When I returned to the country in late summer 1999, my gambling habit was already growing.

Fall 1999, I began a small restaurant business out in the country. I was able to obtain a small business loan. Needless to say that it only lasted a year and drove me to bankruptcy. I lost everything and it was one of the most darkest times of my life. Every facet of my life came crashing down on me. I fell in love with someone, became pregnant by them, had to abort the child, and act like nothing was wrong to the rest of the world.

I noticed at this time that I went to the VLTs a lot in order to "make" extra money to help pay bills. I even "borrowed" money from a friend's bank card in hopes of winning some money and paying her back. I lost her money and had to confess. She was livid. I never felt so low. I have a memory of laying on a country road one winter day......wishing that a farm truck would run me over.

One December night in 2000, I was in the local bar with a friend and the man I was in love with, walked in. He sat at a table behind us with some friends and ignored me. That hurt so bad. I went home shortly afterwards and cried with such force....such force. I took a bunch of OTC sleeping pills to stop the pain. Anything for it to stop. I woke up the next day feeling heavy and sad. I was surprised nothing serious happened to me.

I moved back to Winnipeg in early 2001 to restart my life. My heart was still broken from the man and abortion. I was automatically discharged from bankruptcy later that year. Luckily, a former co-worker brought me into my old government position and was back where I shouldn't have left in the first place. Now I when think of it, I wonder how my life would have been if I never moved to start the restaurant. I wonder if things would have been better today.

I remember getting my first paycheque which was a week later. I went to the casino that evening and won $1,000.00. I was so happy. I moved in with a friend and coworker. She lived 5 minutes from one of the casinos. I often went after work to play keno and/or bingo. I used to spend up to 10 hours playing. Even if I won and walked out with money that night, I was soon back the next day playing again...but losing whatever I had from the previous night's winnings.

In late 2001, I decided to move into my own apartment. Man....bad idea. Now I really had no one to watch I was doing. That's where I discovered payday loans. It was extra money to gamble. And if I lost, then I would get another one at a different business. But again, I was losing more than winning. I was having a hard time catching up on the different loans I had. I remember feeling so bad because I didn't have the money to pay rent and loans. I stayed up all night worrying...wondering how I am going to come up with the money to cover everything. I remember having to catch the bus home after midnight from the casino, and walking a few blocks back to my apartment. It is not the ideal time to be out and about in downtown Winnipeg. Luckily nothing happened to me.

For New Year's Eve, I got evicted out of my apartment. I asked my friend if I can move back in with her. She welcomed me with open arms....much to my relief. I always vowed that I would never put myself back in that situation; I will quit gambling away my money. It never stuck.

2002 came along and I moved in with a different friend into a downtown highrise apartment. My gambling habit was steadily increasing. I began a new job in a different unit within the same government branch. One of my new co-workers enjoyed playing at the casino and VLTs...soon I had a partner in crime. I often gambled until I was broke and would count the days until payday. Once that day came, I was gambling again. Also, I began a long distance relationship which had it's ups and downs. He had an alcohol problem and I found his phone calls troubling and somewhat abusive. He had a temper and we would get into terrible fights. After a fight, we would stop talking to each other, one of us would break down and renew the relationship. It went back and forth a lot.

In late 2002, I met someone new. My former boyfriend was furious. He wrote terrible stuff about me on his MSN profile. Even though I was hurt at what he would write, I had a diversion with the new guy. Me and the new guy were excited and "in love". Our sexual relationship was awesome. I was the good girl with a crazy, sexual side. My roommate would often tease me because we would disappear into the bedroom.

Believing that the new guy wanted to have a long term relationship, I signed a lease for a separate apartment in the same apartment building. Because he moved from another province and was looking for work, I was the main breadwinner. He convinced me to take out a loan to purchase a computer and flatscreen tv. Due to my past bankruptcy, I was hesitant at first. My sister co-signed and I was able to get the loan. It made the apartment more "ours". I was happy. I think I was still gambling at that time but not as bad as before. My bf kept me busy.

About 3 weeks after moving into our own apartment, I noticed that my bf was staying up late to chat online. I wasn't suspicious at first but did wonder from time to time who he was talking to. Of course me, I can be a sneaky person and downloaded a key logger. I was able to find out the password to his Yahoo and Hotmail account. When he went away one weekend, I logged into this chat log and found him flirting and chatting with other women. He would tell them he was single etc. I was floored and devastated. I emailed him a couple of his chats and asked what was going on.

When he came back from his weekend, we didn't talk much about it at first. From what I recall, he said he wanted to be with me and of course I fell for it. But after that, things between us changed. The sex was still great but I felt like I was losing him. He decided that he wanted to go on a road trip with some friends to the States and wasn't sure when he was going to be back. I was scared to death.

May 19, 2003 (I still remember the date)..he went back to his rural community before the trip and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose him....despite the chats with other women. I was a wreck. I missed him the minute he drove away. I cried constantly and would stand out on the patio, wondering what he was thinking. I borrowed a friend's car and drove out to the country to see him. We spent the night together but he was still going on his trip. Everything within me wanted to scream and plead for him to stay...to work it out. But I didn't want to force him if he didn't want to. I wanted to see if he would do it on his own.

The following days and weeks were awful. I would cross off everyday on the calendar that he was gone. Pretty soon the days turned into weeks, I would still hope to hear from him....to hear that he misses and loves me. I was so depressed and hurt. He still had some belongings in the apartment and I would often smell and look at them. About 3 months after he left, I found out that he reunited with a former partner and their two children. I was devastated. I emailed (that was the only way I could contact him) and called him every name in the book. How could someone to do that to another person?? I would hope he would at least have the decency to tell me. As bad as it sounds, the only way I can see how he was doing was by reading his emails.

Needless to say, the rest of 2003, was a shit hole for me. My gambling habit was back in action. I was gambling away money for bills and rent. I remember falling behind a month and a half, went to the casino and won enough....but didn't pay it, thinking that I will win some more. But I lost that. I couldn't catch up on rent, bills, and those pesky payday loans. I was still in shock over the relationship. I lost a lot of weight over that man.

January 2004, I was evicted from another apartment due to my gambling. Again, I was lucky to have a friend who would take me in. I paid her room and board. I stayed with her for eight months. I got myself in trouble with my workplace. Employees were issued American Express credit cards for traveling purposes. We were able to withdraw cash which was a big no-no for me. I started taking out cash advances to pay for things and gamble. I would pay back but not as much as I should have. The main accountant alerted the manager and I was called into a private meeting. I was mortified and a nervous wreck. I tried church meetings and attending Gamblers Anonymous to get this under control. They didn't last. Once I started to feel better....I went back to gambling.

I forgot to mention that I was in a consumer proposal at this time. Some old bills and loans showed up and threatened garnishment. I didn't want my workplace to know about my financial state so I had a consumer proposal drawn up. I was close to finishing the loan for the computer and tv, then the company and offered a renewal loan. The idea of some extra cash drew me in.

Fall 2004, I became involved with someone new. At that time, I moved into my own place. A basement apartment that wasn't the greatest but it was something. I had a friend pretend they were my former landlord because of my two previous evictions.

The new relationship was exciting. I was still hurting from the previous experience and was trying to take it slow with this one. When I noticed that we were spending all our time (when I wasn't working or in school) together. I would sleep at his place a lot. He had a four year old son at the time and the boy loved me. He stuck to me like glue. The new bf's family welcomed me immediately. I told the new guy that I felt that we should take things more slow. He said okay, I will see you sometime then. He didn't seem to have taken it that well. I felt bad and resumed seeing him all the time.

Because I was rarely at my own apartment, I decided to move in with him February 2005, despite the red flags thrown in front of me. For example, he asked to borrow $150 to pay his cell bill 6 weeks into the relationship, became withdrawn when he was broke and would go to his parent's...leaving me at his place, large porn collection, addiction to pills, hostile relationship with his boy's mother, always blaming other people, but for some f**ken crazy reason, I still loved him and didn't want to leave. My insecurity issues rose up too. I found myself looking into his emails, internet history, computer files. Any sign that he was talking to other women or hung up on his ex. I found indications but tried to ignore it.

My gambling habit was still there. I often stayed downtown after work to play VLTs. I had about 5 payday loans going on the same time. Man....how could I have done that to myself?? I am sitting here shaking my head at all the stuff I put myself through to support my gambling. For some stupid reason, I remember gambling away $700 to "make extra cash" and help pay for rent, bills, etc. I had to go back to my by and tell him that I didn't have the money. He was pissed.

July to August 2005, our relationship began to really strain. He was withdrawing emotionally and at times physically. There have been evenings where he would be at his parents until night time. I didn't know what was going on with him. Late August, he told me he wasn't happy with me. I am too worried about him and not about myself....I gave up everything for him. I tried to give more space by spending less time at the apartment. It wasn't enough. He seemed to have become angrier and angrier by my presence. Wanting him to understand me and my history for once (it always seemed to be about him and his family...whatever we did), I wrote him a long email of my former relationships, the abortion, my suicide attempt. I hoped that this bring him closer...it didn't help. Actually, he used the information against me during one of our conversations.

Late August to Mid-September 2005, it all came to a head. My co-worker, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2004, died; one of my nephews was hit and killed while walking on a country road; my mom was rushed into emergency surgery and had respiratory problems. During all of that, my bf didn't stand by me or provide any sort of support. He spent a lot of time at his parents and didn't offer to come with me to the hospital or anything. I went on my own. One night, I tried to get him to talk to me but he refused. I asked if he wanted me to leave...he hesitated and that's when I knew.

The next morning....September 15, 2005 - he had to go out of town that day to work. As soon as he left, I got up and started packing. How can I stay with someone who made it obvious that I was not wanted?? I hoped that if I left, he would want to talk and work things out. I called my mom and asked to pick me up. She did. I told her what happened on the way out to her house in the country. Before I left, I sent him an email. I still have that email.

As you can see I have packed the majority of my stuff and left the apartment.  I thought I could live under the same roof but it is just too hard.  We are both going through a lot of shit and it is making both of us miserable.  I have stuff to deal with in regards to myself, my family, lots of things, and I am still grieving over L.  What I need the most is loving support.  And it is best that I seek it elsewhere.

I am trying to give as much space as possible.  When you said that you needed to be alone, that was what I was trying to do.  But I guess I need to leave altogether.  I read you wrong and you meant not to be questioned on the relationship.  After today, I will no longer push or contact you.  Only when it is time to pick up the rest of my things.  I love you very much R.  We had something good, and maybe down the road we can try to re-establish that.  But for now, I am hurting alot and need people who are going to be there for me.  If you are having doubts about me, than why would I want to stay?  

When we are both feeling better, I would like us to sit down and sort it out.

When it is time to pick up the rest of my things, I will email you.  Take care R.

Me  

I found myself devastated over another failed relationship. I lost a lot of weight again. Why did I become so attached to these men? R and I were only together for 10 months and yet I struggled so much afterwards. I couldn't believe that he didn't fight for us, for me. He just let go. I tried to find a way to be okay spiritually by listening to Christian music, attending church-based support groups, reading christian self-help books. I'm not even Christian! Anything to help me feel better about myself. The first month I swear I was losing my grip. I tried to find the "right" answer to end the madness. I cried every single day. It felt like my arm was cut off and I didn't know how to stop the bleeding. I found out that he started seeing someone new about 2-3 months after I left. They quickly became an item. That just added to my hurt and loss. I saw a pic of them together online and I lost it. I cried heavily onto a a friend's shoulder. How can men just move on so quickly with other people? Didn't I mean anything to them??

I fell into a bad gambling spell during all of this. I moved in with one of my nieces. I remember using her share of the rent as gambling money and lost it all. When payday came, I went out on a gambling binge and tried to win the money back. I did win it back but became cocky and kept on playing....thinking I am going to win more. I ended up losing it all. I have one memory where I am in the restroom of the cocktail/vlt lounge and was crying in one of the stalls. I was overwhelmed with the breakup and not being able to walk away from the VLTs. I felt stuck and in a lot of emotional pain.

When I got back to the apartment, I was beside myself. How am I going to cover this loss and find the rent money? I had to call my mom for help. Her and my sister put enough money together to pay the rent. I was then asked to leave the apartment. Fuck, what a shitty thing to do to my own family. I started thinking that I have to get some serious help. I cried to my other sister, my coworker, my ex-boyfriend (we were friends at the time). I even attended some initial problem gambler meetings. Like before, I didn't stick with it. Once I started to feel better I was back to the casino and VLTs again.

Because I moved out, I had to stay with some friends and one of my sisters until I was able to find my own apartment. I felt so displaced for 5 months. Luckily, I came across a FOR RENT sign on a small apartment building next door to my friend's place. I spoke to the landlady and moved in at the end of January 2006.

March 2006, I filed for bankruptcy a second time. My consumer proposal payments were bouncing and felt that filing bankruptcy was the only way. Plus, I had the five payday loans going and I needed to get away from them. I decided to file for bankruptcy out of fear. I didn't know any other option. I thought to myself that I'm damaged goods anyway.....I don't deserve to have credit....I always mess things up eventually.

May 2006, I met a man through a mutual friend. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time. I was still trying to heal from the last one. He asked me out to dinner and I accepted. Over the next six to seven months we dated casually. Finally, in late October that year, I finally gave in and told him that I was ready to be his girlfriend.

I was still "playing with fire" in terms of my gambling. My bf would give me money and it was off to the VLTs for me. I gambled away rent money, money for groceries, etc. I am thankful that it was just me at the time. By now, I have become good at lying, hiding, making excuses/stories to get money or hold off landlord/creditors. As much as I hated doing that....I've become good at it.

Every year I've promised to quit gambling, to start G.A. meetings, to seek therapy. That only lasts for awhile. Like I said before, once I start to feel better and the tense situation is gone...I'm back to gambling again. I take so many risks that it is almost second nature to me. It has become fun to see if I can pull this one off. When I don't....it's awful. I have to resort to my lying, hiding, feeling so shitty and scared.

A part of me doesn't want to quit. A part of me quite enjoys the challenge, excitement, living on the emotional edge. However, this gambling has brought so much hardship to my life. There have been so many times that I envy the people who don't even know how to play a slot machine or put $20 then walk away. I've become such an addict to gambling.

Back to the timeline, in late 2007, I discovered I was pregnant. Just a couple weeks before, we talked and decided that we wanted to have children together. When my bf returned from work up north, I gave the news. He was surprised but very happy.

During my pregnancy, I still gambled. I remember sitting at the casino and losing around $1,000.00. I was mad at myself. How come I can't walk away??? Why do I keep trying until I lose all my money??? I visited many online gambling forums, read stories, tried to connect with other addicts. The longest I stayed away was four months and that was due to the birth of my daughter. I vowed that I would kick this addiction.

Again, I played with money that was meant for living expenses. Lying, hiding, pretending, continued. Even I am getting tired of repeating those words. I keep on doing the same shit.

Late summer 2008, my daughter was born. I was officially a mother. It was great and an adjustment. I was happy because it would keep me away from the VLTs and casino for awhile. However, once I returned to work in January 2009, my access to gambling was open. During lunch breaks I would catch a bus and gamble at the local lounge. In downtown Winnipeg, there are many establishments that had VLTs so there was no lack of finding one nearby.

2009 was meant for change...in all areas of my life. That didn't stick. Still doing the same gambling...lying, hiding, trying to cover losses, etc. 2010 same thing. 2011 same thing except this time I told my bf back in April. Again, I gambled away money that was meant for rent. Luckily, my income tax refund showed up in my bank account. I was saved again!!

October 2011, I am in the same situation. I told my bf that the rent is taken care of with money that I made through a sale of items. But nope, I gambled that. So now I had to ask for an extension from the landlord, cable company, and payday loan company. I had $400 on me Sunday but thought to myself "if I can make $800 then I will be able to cover these bills". I lost my $400.

We moved to our current duplex early August. The landlord before that must have been happy to get rid of us. I've bounced so many cheques with me it was ridiculous. Everytime it happened, I vowed never to do that again....but it happens again and again.

My boyfriend is expecting a couple of cheques this week so hopefully they show up by Friday. I can't keep doing this to myself. The fear, the anxiety, the constantly making different payment arrangements. I am tired of repeating the same bullshit.

Why do I do this to myself? When I read what I have written...I feel sad for that girl. She went through a lot and put herself through a lot. It's very sad.